Depression & Anxiety

Hey Dj!

This post is going to do deep.

You are now warned! :-P

No excuses here, just raw truth.

SooOOOoooo!

Along the way of life I have had a few wonderful experiences,....

& many terrible…..

I guess that's called the ups and downs of life.

I have always understood to never let

what you go through become who you are.

Fake it until you make it!(your smile)

Over the past 10 years some where,

Me taking on a new life role.

I lost who I was and started to become a shade of what I have gone through.

I started to turn inwards and become cold & non sociable, a recluse.

I became a shade of someone that I always tried to avoid.

Me becoming something I wasn't,

I’m not sure what it was I became but it was an awfully foreign feeling and

it was difficult to watch myself go through this and not have the knowledge of how to deal with or control my emotions/thoughts or change who I was.

I felt I had no control of my thoughts.

I felt like my life was stuck on full throttle.

A Run away movie!

Rumination like crazy.

Not Healthy!

Alone.

No advice. . .

(I wish my Dad was still alive)

After many months of the silent treatment, me trying my best to weather it, I started to treat the

people I love cold, short, and

putting my reactive emotions on them.

I got so used to being now this grumpy old man that I let it really become me.

Going from the loving, friendliest, goofy, happiest guy, to a ignored, lonely, sad & depressed old man…

I tried my best through the, home schooling, the pandemic, loss of our dance studio, studio build, my schooling, all home and property renovations to keep myself useful, valued, motivated and positive.

Also keep my planned tight schedule to open up my studio.

Boy oh boy did I put way too much on my plate!

Naturally, I failed!

There is so much more to this story but I need to focus on me here.

All my self care that I have been ignoring caught up to me.

I gained maybe 15 Lbs and was told I looked gross, fat and ewww!

lol ok…😓

I stared to get more unhealthy day by day and started to make unhealthy choices.

Because of my unhealthy choices in life, I started to think unhealthy about the people around me and how to avoid/not deal with them.

I know I was in a downward spiral.

What could I do?

I started to go back to basics.

Time to implement self care and lots of it. No more putting myself on the back burner.

I now see exactly where I went wrong.

Falling into depression,

I had zero respect for myself so I treated others accordingly to the way they treated me.

Even if it was disrespectfully.😓

I would be disrespectful back. 😰

I have to remember that this is not who I want to be or who I am. 🙏❤️

I now have respect for myself so I will now keep myself in healthy, successful relationships and the ones that are not healthy, I will spend less time on.

I’m also done alienating people in my life. Giving a friendship a time out is better than killing it. I have learned to value the friendships I make and keep them.

Now that I have my self respect back,

I have no problem acting with self respect in any and all situations.

This I have learned to remember about myself and who I am always trying to be… that better man!

I have mentally graduated, to the glory of a Sigma male.

It feels great, let me tell you!!!

The mental freedom I have now is amazing.

I am now way too mature to argue uselessly, with anyone about anything.

I’m just simply Not interested!

After my stroke, and a few near death experiences,I have learned to value my limited time on this earth and choose to spend it wisely with people of the same frame of mind, goals, and dreams.

Success is on my horizon so I gotta stay focused and strong and show my family I’m serious about taking care of them. Even if we are apart, I’m still moving forward in life, on to success.

So now,

Flash forward 11 months from February 29th 2024 to now…..

I’m now currently facing a divorce.

💔

The first time we touched hands. ❤️

My Son and Daughter are not talking to me.

I have been ostracized out of my Family unit.

I totally understand my Son not being able to understand everything around him now, all that can be corrected in a simple conversation which he is not willing to have with me at the moment of writing this.

Not saying he’s 100% right.. just sayin.

I know my Daughter needs her Daddy back as it’s almost been a year since she has requested to see me.

That’s strange. . .

I will wish nothing but the best to my wife in everything she does.

I wish for her nothing but happiness.

I have always appreciated everything she has done to support our family.

She has really gone above and beyond my expectations in some very key aspects in my life.

For that I’m always grateful.

I’ll always have a special place in my heart for her and any time she reaches out to me for any help, I will be there.

No questions asked.

Anything I can do to help, just ask me with a smile. 😊

😎❤️

Always there to support you.

Also,

Since then, I have been going through some very terrible situations in my personal life.

Including:

1: Facing false charges.

2: Being homeless.

3: Legally banned out of my own home with only a small bag half full of clothes to my name in the middle of winter. (Ya, this is really crazy)

4: Cut off from all finances. (Broke)

5: All my personal belongings are being harboured from me and ALL MY STUDIO EQUIPMENT is be harboured from me which doesn’t allow me to continue on with my normal life in music production or even allow me to support myself or my Family financially.

6: Having no one willing to step up and help me with housing or finances.

(Which I have helped more than a few with previously in life)

It’s ok, I’m alone and I know it.

7: Yes, I made no backup plan because I trusted 1 key person in my life and believed that this was not required.

Yes, I have hit rock bottom. . .

I’m really in a bad position right now.

So, As requested and suggested:

If you would like to financially support me through this hard time, you can through Patreon.

Here is the 🔗 :

https://www.patreon.com/LexXxus

All your support is greatly appreciated and will never be forgotten.

Thank you to everyone who supports me through patreon.

I’ll be making special supporter only posts through patreon about my private status in my life. What I do with the funds donated to me and what my immediate future goals are.

I’ll update this situation with another post when required.

*Note: This book has been key to my mental health & success from here on.

Emotional Intelligence:

It’s been a serious mental struggle that has included me wanting to take my own life multiple times.

I’m past that now.

Mentally I’m in a much happier and healthier place.

What has got me down now is missing my Family and not having access to my home and studio and not seeing my pets. I have to accept I’m no longer a part of their lives.

I hope I will one day,

I’m trying my best.

I hope one day the smoke clears and we all can just be simpleton happy.

I have published this post on my blog because I believe that complete transparency and honesty is the best proof that you are innocent of any accusations that you may be up against in life.

Also, in hopes that if someone is going through anything similar to me,

this post will give you the strength and perseverance to push forward knowing you are not alone.

I hope this post will help someone in need.

Well,

That’s all for now folks.

Take it easy.

LexXxus.